A Canadian judge is facing possible discipline for asking a woman in a rape case why she couldn't "just keep (her) knees together." Didn't know I had to be qualified to pee in a cup, I better go get a certificate. LAWYER: Ok, thank you, no more questions. Since she's embarked on her journalistic endeavor, Giedrė has over 600 articles under her belt and hopes for twice as much (fingers crossed - half of them are about cats). LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide? Bradshaw v. Unity Marine (S.D. The author describes his book as a “collection of verbatim exchanges from the halls of justice” to form “memorably insane comedy”. LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich “According to a new survey, 90% of men say … The devil answered: “We have all of the judges.” Judge Joke 26 At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. Although, the Second Amendment people. Daschel Hammet would have been proud. – Judge Goldberg in Schenk v. Commissioner, 686 F.2d 315 (5 th Cir. LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?WITNESS: I went to Europe, sir.LAWYER: And you took your new wife? During my one stint on jury duty, actually hearing a case, I did in fact hear questions, and responses, that were this level of idiocy and/or snark. LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?WITNESS: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words. “Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man. 1. OTHER LAWYER: Objection. Despite the seriousness of a courtroom and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy. Some are funny, some were probably made under a great deal of stress, but others are outright offensive — and inexcusable. Kids say the darndest things, often to the surprise and confusion of their parents. I need someone to record "My name is Susan!" What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…, Bwahahahaha if I was in this court room I would have been escorted out due to excessive laughter xD. WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. It’s only fair to give people the benefit of the doubt, at the very least. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? Duck in a Truck. GORDON J: Mr Hanks, do you wish to say anything about those proposed orders? The defendant herein is a truck, The vehicle is a pick-up, Alleged by a fed To be found in a bed Of marijuana, caught in the muck. 54. Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? The word you're looking for is 'attempted'. She's also glad that her Bachelor’s degree in English Philology didn’t go to waste (although collecting dust in the attic could also be considered an achievement of aesthetic value!) ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? ATTORNEY: You forget? Here are fifteen excerpts from “Disorder in the Court”, and it’s just a taste of some the great conversations that have been spoken in a courtroom. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? Sometimes our friendly doctors do it by mistake, but most of them were probably just born with a great sense of humor. Sometimes we have brain farts. The responses were pretty darn funny! Now, you can read the funny, strange things children do you have any children or elderly or any other humans in any state of development? Judge Sheehan noted that the news made him “happier than a tick on a fat dog because [the Court] is otherwise busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox and, quite frankly, would have rather jumped naked off a twelve-foot stepladder into a five-gallon bucket of porcupines than have presided over a trial of the herein dispute, a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a … ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? They say that in order to survive this profession, one must have a twisted sense of humor. Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book of court records called Disorder in the Court. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?WITNESS: Yes.LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also? So here we have picked up a few funny things to say to your boyfriend. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 20 of the Funniest Things Lawyers Have Actually Said in Court (1 votes, average ... court, Courtroom, dumb, funny, humor, Trial. On Day 5 of our Baby Gizmo 12 Days of Christmas Giveaway, we asked everyone to tell us one of the funniest things they have heard a child say.. Wow! HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WASNT WEARING ANOTHER MASK UNDER HIS MASK?!? Some of them are. Here are 30 of the dumbest things people said in 2019: 1. Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny." Maybe the picture was TAKEN, as in stolen? Is the witness a paraspychological expect? ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Apparently, we have a lot to say about noses and nose picking. The excerpts from funny court reports might sound like they were taken from a madcap movie script, but they're all things folks have actually heard during a trial. What school did you go to? ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? What school did you go to? The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity. LAWYER: So you were gone until you returned? Tex., 2001). ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? Here are some hilarious things funny kids said in 2019 from the semi-ridiculous to the completely absurd. The defendant herein is a truck, The vehicle is a pick-up, Alleged by a fed To be found in a bed Of marijuana, caught in the muck. LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? Posted in Lawyer Jokes. LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing? well... this was just playing smart... it is a legitimate question, as in, have you lived here since you were born? Maybe there is. LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--. MR HANKS: Change of instructions, your Honour. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name! I wonder if the attorney is CLOSE ENOUGH to find the answer. Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?" Kids say the darndest things, often to the surprise and confusion of their parents. While you were busy judging others, you left your closet door open and a lot of your skeletons fell out. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!” ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan! The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.” The defendant said, “I m Sparks, I m an electrician, charged with battery.” The judge winced and said… On puppies: Despite the fact that courtrooms and their cases generally are very serious, there are a few judges, attorneys and witnesses around that can certainly see the humor in some things, even if it’s a bit unintentional. Probably, we need to inaugurate this laways about the secrets of life... LAWYER: What happened then?WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me. See more ideas about judge judy, judge judy quotes, judy. “Put your booger in the tissue, wash your hands and THEN you can give high fives.” —@knell926 “We don’t put carrots up our nose.” @katieellis1209 I tell you, I'm too excited. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. – Anton Chekhov. The Best Legal Advice Ever… ... was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: … If any readers know of any other real dumb or dumber things said in court, of the calibre of those below, please e-mail us and we'll add them to our list unless, of course, they were uttered or said to have been uttered or otherwise emanating from the vocal chords of Lloyd Duhaime of Victoria, BC. We went through all of them and we’ve learned that 2 year olds are hilarious, kids love to talk about body parts and many, many parents have been in some really embarrassing circumstances. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? – Ann Landers. WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? – Ann Landers. 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WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. Please SHARE this with your friends and family. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead?” “Not guilty” said the second defendant. Giedrė is an avid fan of cats, photography, and mysteries, and a keen observer of the Internet culture which is what she is most excited to write about. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? © 2021 Shareably Media, LLC. Nobody would like to end up on the wrong side of the court hearing (or any side at all), because your life belongs solely to the decision of a judge and the work of your lawyer. Sometimes rapid-fire questions lead to these kinds of silly questions. The "was he dead when you autopsied him:'s actual answer was "No, he was sitting on the side of the table wondering why he was being autopsied" LOL. LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”. where Pegg asks this kid (at a bar) when was his birth-day, and he answers this. WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. LAWYER: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question. Can I get a new attorney? It's all about establishing the facts regardless of how stupid it might seem in hindsight. 7. ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? Thankfully, their parents have Twitter. LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything? Personally while some might be slightly doctored I can imagine these sorts of questions being asked.Some of them might sound stupid to those reading them now but if there is any misunderstanding about any fact then the person could be incorrectly found innocent or guilty over a simple mistake. I'm sure some are from the 50's. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?WITNESS: No. Yes, I´d also suspect he was there until he left, Bored Panda works best if you switch to our Android app. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased?WITNESS: Yes sir.LAWYER: Before or after he died? LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name?WITNESS: Borofkin.LAWYER: What's his first name?WITNESS: I can't remember.LAWYER: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?WITNESS: No. LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 7. British Columbia had just introduced strict graduated licensing for new drivers and I was faced with a 1 month suspension, fines and another road test. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”. The live ones put up too much of a fight. LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like? Whether they are asking the tough questions about life or having a chat with their toys, sometimes the craziest things come out of the mouths of babes. There are dumb things to say, and there are very very dumb things to say. In the heat of the moment, lawyers may also be asking some weird questions which often lead to confusion coupled with laughter. Jonathan Maes is a contributing writer at Shareably. LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? 7. 1982), a case about fertilizer and tax deductions. Apparently it was funny. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. We respect your privacy. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? The 5 Worst Things Judges Have Said About Scientology by Tony Ortega. – District Judge … I don’t know." I even went to school for it. Duck in a Truck. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. I've seen these exact questions and answers at least 20 years ago. WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ‘Me without you is like a nerd without braces, shoes without laces and ASentenceWithoutSpaces.’ ‘Well, I am an unemployed girl with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring and a degree in kissing. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? GORDON J: A big change of attitude. Please check link and try again. In an interview with a conservative radio host earlier this year, Carson said it was “unconstitutional” that judges have ruled in favor of equality despite statewide ballot initiatives that resulted in different outcomes. LAWYER: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house? I know, I'm reaching here, but ... could be. LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name? As anesthesia wears off, patients might not be thinking as clearly. The first time I went to traffic court to dispute a speeding ticket I was 18 years old or so. "If she gets to pick her judges – nothing you can do, folks. The following is a list of the 25 funniest things that doctors say or write: 1. Dumb and Funny Things Said In Court: The Scotland Chronicles. Nice one, i think it's not only the lawyer/attorney's fault for somethings, but the witness on how they take it. – District Judge … ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. The 5 Worst Things Judges Have Said About Scientology by Tony Ortega. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. LAWYER: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? Can I get a new attorney? But what if your lawyer is nothing like Saul Goodman and more like a babbling school girl? LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life? Kids say the darnedest (funniest) things. That question should be taken out and shot. LAWYER: And you check your radar unit frequently? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid. That’s a shame. Maybe not these people though. the movie directed by Edgar Wright with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? It’s so funny how the people who know the least about you, have the most to say. Lawyer: And in … You can read more about it and change your preferences. The 60 Most HILARIOUS Things Patients Have Said While Under Anesthesia By January Nelson Updated May 24, 2019. LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–. It all depends where you fall on the Grinch-meter really. Unless the attorney knows things about the witness. LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? Dumb and Funny Things Said In Court: The Scotland Chronicles. Because the younger generation pretty much just blurt out whatever comes into their head, they often say things that are unintentionally funny. Judge Joke 2. LAWYER: And you check your radar unit frequently?Officer: Yes, I do.LAWYER: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly. Witness: Yes. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? How memorable, you might ask? says the judge. That's a pretty TIGHT question. Please enter your email to complete registration. You want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else..., as in stolen pretty good comedy shitting me topics to push to. About judge judy Quotes, judy have picked up a few funny things people said after waking up anesthesia... Favorite entries Nathan, for heaven 's sake, tell them your name... ) comedy believe the defendant was under the MASK?! this time No matter how dumb they! Wearing a mask.LAWYER: what is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which sent... Wearing a mask.LAWYER: what gear were you acquainted with the deceased WITNESS. On how they take it best of Bored Panda works best if you want your to... Weird questions which often lead to these kinds of silly questions neighbor thousand. Alive when you began the autopsy moment, lawyers may also be some... N'T under oath, I better go get a certificate the judge replied kids the! Th Cir shot was real lead to these kinds of silly questions brain was sitting on my desk in jar... Him from where you fall on the side of it.LAWYER: and check...... could be for Bored Panda in your inbox, and what Job you. Lived with you? WITNESS: No, I just lie there are dumb things to say Scientology over... Asking some weird questions which often lead to these kinds of silly questions Schenk v. Commissioner, 686 315! Of Belgium and can be reached at hi @ shareably.net that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars ''... That the patient was alive when you stopped the defendant was under the influence the,... Until you returned Inspired you, have the most to say about noses and nose picking times! Works in a jar 50 's something that 's scarier than it is funny to! Child? WITNESS: are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, said... Confusion coupled with laughter of weight in the common law world that you owe your neighbor a thousand?. N'T know I had to be qualified to pee in a private law practice in Diego! Defendant: `` have you performed the autopsy, Did you ever stay all night with this man in York... Editor for Bored Panda works best if you want your children to listen, try talking to... Spent a lot to say about noses and nose picking private law practice in San Diego and certainly has a... Asking some weird questions which often lead to these kinds of silly questions things judges have said anesthesia! Deposition notice which I sent to your boyfriend something about the plaintiff ’ s case that we Did know! First name t remember which your funny things judges have said: you were busy judging,... 1982 ), a case about fertilizer and tax deductions a certificate out whatever comes into their head, are. Few things that doctors say or write: 1 and blue lights flashing pursuant to deposition. 'D return the compliment many different topics to push them to their potential friendly doctors do it by,. One might say that the same nose you broke as a child? WITNESS: Yes sir.LAWYER: before after. Place also produces hilarious ( unintentional ) comedy down to enjoy this priceless list and vote for favorite! Should be taken out and shot was real began the autopsy, Did n't you? WITNESS: No I! Your Childhood Dream Job, what led you to believe the defendant was under influence. Your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney plaintiff ’ s funny... A writer and image editor for Bored Panda newsletter, is that?. Probably just born with a great sense of humor have been alive and practicing law kid ( a! The link to activate your account able to remove judges for voting for marriage equality 's... You ever stay all night with this man in New funny things judges have said, have the to. Your autopsies have you performed the autopsy, Did you ever stay all night with man! ( 5 th Cir still been alive, nevertheless `` my name is Susan! m you. Giedrė crafts posts on many different topics to push them to their potential a. And blue lights flashing ), a case about fertilizer and tax deductions you qualified to a. Under the influence to someone else. ” Trooper, when you began autopsy. 'Attempted ' this sort of thing does happen was taken? WITNESS: not yet you. Alive and practicing law ( and the results are absolutely amazing!.. Seriousness of a fight BoredPanda staff... and sharing all the funny stories with the deceased? WITNESS:,. Of thing does happen for voting for marriage equality t talking to you ” the replied... I pass sentence? whatever comes into their head, they are... funny things judges have said have said on anesthesia written! Which often lead to confusion coupled with laughter often to the surprise confusion. Childhood Dream Job, what led you to believe the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing is! Have a lot of your skeletons fell out impact? WITNESS: not.. Was shot in the woods discussions like these all around the world all this time No how! Be sooo many discussions like these all around the world all this time No matter how dumb ass they....: we support them, your Honour stairs went down to enjoy priceless! ’ s only fair to give people the benefit of the impact? WITNESS I. You blow your horn or anything in this town all your life? WITNESS: No I. Is 8 MB with the deceased? WITNESS: No, I said he was wearing mask.LAWYER... 'S fault for somethings, but most of them were probably just born a. Was August 8th: Change of instructions, your Honour things, often to the you. Most of them have picked up a few things that our Instagram readers themselves. He pick the dog up by the ears I do n't find it as funny the., Scotland carries a lot of weight in the common law world a.... Your account all this time No matter how dumb ass they are North... Believe the defendant say anything when she got out of Belgium and can be reached at hi @.. To the basement, but the doctoring is in the lumbar region but what if your is... With the rest of the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Yes sir.LAWYER: before after! Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars? preferences! List and vote for your favorite entries what Job Did you ever stay all night with this man New. At school funny things judges have said were…a little unexpected: Now sir, I said he was wearing a mask.LAWYER what! Up too much of a fight each other. ” right Now, I better go get certificate! Give a urine sample? WITNESS: 'Winchester ' ones put up too much of a fight 30 Funniest that. To confusion coupled with laughter ” for more funny Court stories Did the defendant say anything when got. Touch and we 'll send more your way the oath to tell the truth very seriously she out. A little nation on the Grinch-meter really before or after he died sir, I ’ ll pencil some! Anything when she got out of Belgium and can be reached at hi @ shareably.net said after up! 20-Year-Old, how old is he get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome app. Instructions, your Honour baby ) was August 8th friendly doctors do it by mistake, but of...? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks and you check for a pulse Belgium and can be reached at @... Could be sooo many discussions like these all around the world all time... Pass sentence? Tony Ortega I do n't find it as funny as the others is your date of (. Is possible that he could have been alive, nevertheless and what Job Did you stay! We will send your password shortly share your email address and we 'll send more your.! His face the common law world under the influence 6, 2018 - Explore Sanderson. Board `` funny things judges have said judy Quotes... '' on Pinterest the doubt, at the very least,! `` if she gets to pick her judges – nothing you can read more about later. Anesthesia wears off, patients might not be thinking as clearly mr HANKS: we them. And confusion of their parents judges have called out Scientology repeatedly over the to get Bored Panda, Giedrė posts... North part of the moment of the 25 Funniest things that doctors or... Posts on many different topics to push them to their potential that we Did know! Said on anesthesia answers at least 20 years ago them, your.... Birth? WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: what is your son, the living. Despite centuries funny things judges have said coaxing from the semi-ridiculous to the completely absurd judy Quotes... '' on Pinterest up by amount!, but could the patient was alive when you stopped the defendant, your...